The Crackhouse
by zara2148
Summary: A home for my crackier Kink Meme fics, since there's getting to be a lot of them. Pairings vary, weirdness abounds, and there's no signs of sanity to be found. So come in and get high; just leave your sanity behind - it's overrated. Trust me.
1. Gregory Is Awesome, I Feel Fine!

**Gregory Is Awesome, I Feel Fine!**

Gregory returned to the world on December 26, Year Unspecified, as was written in the holy court records.

He entered the courtroom, riding on a horse. Backwards. While doing a handstand. Did I mention he was on fire?

He backflipped off the horse. "The defense is ready, your honor." With his amazing mental powers Gregory extinguished the flames. "And my son is not guilty."

"I see... yes..." the Judge murmured. "It's all becoming clear. Why, it's as if the very universe is unfolding before me."

Such was the power of Gregory.

Von Karma retorted, "OBJECTION! Your son is guilty!"

"OBJECTION! The prosecution sounds like a demonic gay bullfrog!"

"SUSTAINED! Von Karma, kindly shut up."

"Grrr..."

Miles spoke up for the first time since the trial began. "Dad, I killed you."

"OBJECTION! The real murderer is Von Karma. The bullet in his shoulder proves it!"

Manfred gaped. "How do you know about that?"

"Because I shot you with my mind!"

"NOOOOOO!" Faced with this inescapable logic, Manfred curled up in a corner, crying.

The Judge pounded his gavel. "The defense is so awesome, I declare his son not guilty by default!"

"I... lost? Does. Not. Compute." Manfred's head asploded.

Gregory summoned confetti. "Now that's what I'm talking about." He floated over to his son. Yes, floated. "Hold still, Miles. I shall cure you of your emoness!"

Ema cried, "But what about his fangirls!"

"Bah! He's Miles Edgeworth, he doesn't need fangirls!"

Maya grinned. "Yeah, that's what he has Phoenix for!"

And so a new age of awesomeness was ushered into the courtroom. Such is the power of Gregory.


	2. Kind of Like the Antichrist

_Original Prompt:_

_So apparently in 5 years we will be able to make an egg and sperm cell out of any cell in the body. That means that two people of the same sex would be able to have a biological child! Of course it won't be happening in forever because people seem to have ethical problems with this technology._

_BUT YEAH. I want two PW characters to have a child like this. If it's two guys someone can be their surrogate mother!_

_Pairing can be whatever yaoi/yuri you want._

* * *

**Kind of Like the Antichrist**

When He created them, God made _damn_ sure Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth were both males; because if they were able to ever conceive a child, courtrooms everywhere would be doomed. None would be able to handle the combination of awesome lawyer skills their offspring would surely inherit.

Unfortunately, He underestimated the power of SCIENCE! (A fact Ema, with her constant snackooing, would never let Him forget.)

So eleven years after biologists decided to screw nature and devised a method for gay reproduction (in the case of males, with surrogate mothers), what He had feared came to pass. The courtrooms, and later society as a whole, crumbled.

All because of little Gregory Wright, lawyer at age ten.

* * *

**EDIT: Someone on the Kink Meme was kind enough to draw fanart of little Gregory Wright for me (and it is AWESOME!). It can be found here (just take the spaces out): _http :/ i56. tinypic. com / 255s386 . jpg_**


	3. Farewell, My Turnabout AU

************************************_Original Prompt:_

_Phoenix: The only thing I have left is this one dirty trick... *takes off Mia's clothes*_

* * *

What SHOULD have happened during 2-4

He was cornered, trapped. There was only one dirty trick he had left if he wanted to save Maya…

Without hestitating, he ripped open Mia's clothes.

As Miss Fey's... ah, assets were laid bare, the entire courtroom collectively burst into nosebleeds.

All except for the prosecution, that is. "I'm afraid you're going to have to do better than that, Wright," Edgeworth scolded, wagging his finger.

"Oh?" Phoenix began loosing his tie. "Then I guess I will." He whipped off his jacket in one smooth (and sexy!) motion.

Edgeworth sputtered. "W-what do you think you're doing?"

Phoenix removed his shirt. "Come on, Edgeworth. Don't you want to cross examine me?"

"T-that's not fair..."

Phoenix lowered his pants... and Edgeworth could take no more. "Come here, you!" he cried, lunging over the prosecution bench...

...only to slip and fall in the sea of nose blood. The prosecutor banged his head and lost conciousness, forcing a "NOT GUILTY" verdict to be declared.

Sexytimes were later had by all.


	4. Pimping For Great JUSTICE

_Original Prompt:_

_Hey, all you Anons! Guess what! I replayed AJ: AA! And I noticed something! When Kristoph was 'waxing poetic' about the cards in the first case, the dialogue goes like this:  
"The defense was just waxing poetic, Your Honor. Likely to confuse onlookers...and impress women."  
The Judge replies "Well, that should be our first order of business, then."  
AND EVEN THOUGH he clarifies the order of business in the next line, I WANTED that next line to read '...To impress women! Bailiff! Fetch us a limo!'  
AND SO, ANON: I want a fic detailing Apollo Justice, Kristoph Gavin, The Judge, and Winston Payne going out for a night on the town, heading down to a bar, and deciding to pick up women. Does this fail or succeed? Anon decides, though bonus points (for obvious reasons) if Winston Payne and The Judge just end up pimping it.  
(OP knows the Judge and Winston Payne most likely have wives. OP shoves that little bit of canon aside.)_

* * *

Pimping For Great JUSTICE

Winston Payne smirked as he proceeded to explain. "The defense was just waxing poetic, Your Honor. Likely to confuse onlookers...and impress women."

The Judge nodded. "Well, that should be our first order of business, then...To impress women! Bailiff! Fetch us a limo!"

Mike Meekins whipped out his cellphone while saluting. "Yes, sir!"

The Judge banged his gavel. "Good. Court is adjourned until further notice!" He then reached beneath his podium and exchanged the gavel for his trusty pimp cane.

Apollo sweatdropped. "Wait, what's going on?"

Kristoph smirked. "Justice, just relax and enjoy the ride."

With that the defense, prosecution, and judge left out on a noble quest to 'get some'.

They quickly took their seats in the limo, Apollo still looking less than comfortable.

"So..." the Judge began, looking at the driver, "How much is this going to cost us?"

The driver looked at them confused. "Whaddya mean, gov? It's already been paid for."

Normally the Judge would have asked more questions. But seeing as the limo had a minifridge stocked with alcohol any feelings of curiosity he had quickly passed (along with any feelings of sobriety).

In between hiccups, Payne slurred, "To the bar, my good man."

"Yes, sir!"

_Later at the bar..._

Apollo screamed. "Mr. Gavin, help! The guys won't stop hitting on me!"

"Very well, Justice." Kristoph pushed his glasses up, pinning them with his scariest shiny glare. "Back off. He's mine."

The gays (and experimental straights) decided that was good advice. Since they all enjoyed living.

Apollo beamed. "Thank you Mr. Gavin, sir. Wait, what are you- Ack! Don't put your hands there!"

"Shut up, Justice," he panted. "Women ADORE gay men."

_Even later..._

"Now, honey, I know I promised I'd be home early tonight..." Winston Payne winced as he spoke over the phone. "But you see, I'm on a noble quest at the moment... pimping for great justice and all that..."

A pause.

"Look, just call up the Judge's wife if you're lonely... yeah, he's here too. But anyway, you two can keep each other company... all night long..."

Pause.

"Kay, I love you too... bye."

_Still later..._

The Judge sighed in contentment, cracking his shoulders. Nothing got you worked up like doing seven in a row.

"Alright, who's next?"

Women squealed and jumped him in ecstasy.

_Meanwhile back in the courtroom..._

A certain pink prosecutor was straightening his cravat, having finished his shameless make-out session with the defendant. He sighed, already dreading the limo bill. "The things I do for some alone time with you..."

_Back at the bar..._

Payne smirked as he chatted up yet another lovely lady. "Why yes, I DID defeat Phoenix Wright. Because, you see..."

"... he was no match for the Rookie Killer."

Neither were any of the women, for that matter. None of them could stand up against his charms... or his little rookie killer.

_The next morning..._

Apollo woke up feeling dizzy. "Ugh, my head..." He glanced down at his (shirtless!) chest and screamed.

There, tattooed in blue, were the words "Kristoph's bitch".


	5. No Matter What!

_Original Prompt: ANON MY BOI, I just came across the epic prompt that led to many awesome parodies of Pokémon songs (.?thread=22042189#t22042189). I adored all the parodies to no end, but I admit that I never owned 2BA Master or any other Pokémon CD as a kidling._

You know what I did own? Yu-Gi-Oh! Music to Duel By.

Anon promises various desserts, many Internets, and devotion if anyone feels inclined to do some Ace Attorney song parodies to YGO! songs.

**No Matter What!**

How'd it come to this  
After all we've been through  
Two of a pair  
Now on opposite sides

From the very start  
With honor we've Defended  
Watched each other's back and we investigated with pride  
We are closer than brothers  
And now we have to fight each other  
And we trust our fate to the courtroom evidence

(Chorus)  
No matter what  
We'll let the trials begin  
No matter what  
May the best lawyer win  
No matter what  
We're in this together  
No matter what  
We'll be friends forever  
No matter what

It was you and me  
Hangin out after school  
Didn't ever think it would get this hard

Time's running out  
And there's so much at stake  
Everything riding on the testimony  
We'll show em what we're made of  
As we fight for the ones we love  
And we'll be friends to the very end

(Chorus)  
No matter what  
We'll let the trials begin  
No matter what  
May the best lawyer win  
No matter what  
We're in this together  
No matter what  
We'll be friends forever  
No matter what  
YEAH!

I don't wanna give up  
But I will never give in  
Don't want to convict my very best friend  
I could throw it in court  
Let him win every trial  
But with so much at stake  
I must act hostile  
Though I need a victory  
You always meant the world to me  
And that's one thing that will never change

(Chorus x2)  
No matter what  
We'll let the trials begin  
No matter what  
May the best lawyer win  
No matter what  
We're in this together  
No matter what  
We'll be friends forever

NO MATTER WHAT!


	6. Parrots

_Original Prompt: Matt Engarde gets stalked by parrots._

_...Sent by JUAN._

_Roll with it anon, roll._

Parrots

Somewhere out in the night, a cry arose.

"Fly my pretties! FLY!"

From out of a picnic basket, a swarm of parrots flew up into the sky.

* * *

"Alright Juan, tell me how you did it."

He faked an innocent look. "Did what?"

Adrian rolled her eyes. "How you trained a bunch of parrots to stalk Matt."

A blank look.

She rolled her eyes again. "I know you're the only one who could have done it."

He gave in, shooting her a diabolical grin. "Well, it turned out to be pretty easy to get them to stalk Matt. Now teaching them to cry 'Polly wants a cracker' in perfect unison while diving to peck at his stupid hair... THAT was hard."


	7. Would you believe it's magic?

_Original: Phoenix is actually a woman...When he was a kid his family took a trip to China and little Feenie feel into Spring of Drowned boy._

…**Would you believe it's magic?**

He had just been minding his own business, trying to boil water to make ramen, when Trucy had decided to help…

"AHHHHH!"

…and splashed him with hot water.

Or rather her, as the Curse of Drowned Boy was temporarily lifted. Though right now, Phoenix wanted to do nothing but curse.

Trucy stared at her genderbended 'father' with a grin, accepting this strange event the way all children do. "Daddy, how you'd you do that?"

"It's, uh, a magic trick! Yeah!" She struck what she hoped was a cool pose. "Ta-dah!"

Trucy clapped her hands eagerly. "Wow, Daddy! But you know, I could tell it was fake."

"Oh, really? How?"

"Because if it had been real –"

"AHHHHH!"

"– you'd turn back into a boy when I splashed you again."

Despite the scalding hot water running down her body, Phoenix managed a laugh. "That's not how it works, actually…"

She'd tell Trucy the truth someday. Just not today.

She also vowed to never make ramen herself again. It could only lead to more trouble.


	8. Dingdong!

_Original Prompt: ...I'm kind of dying to know how Dahlia's father reacted to her death._

Ding-Dong!

"Ding dong! The bitch is dead. Which old bitch? The Dahlia bitch!" Dahlia's father started to prance around, still singing. "Ding dong! The wicked bitch is dead!"

Sister Bikini shook her head. "I see now why you never visit." Iris sighed.


	9. Real Men

**Real Men**

"_Real_ men drink grape juice."

Edgeworth cocked an eyebrow at the already slushed man in front of him. "Real men, Wright, can also _hold_ their grape juice."

"Speaking of which..." Phoenix ran off to the nearest restroom. It was too bad he didn't take a closer look at the sign on the door...

"ACK! I'm so sorry- F-Franziska? ADRIAN?"

"Foolish fool!" *whip crack*

*Hobo is KO'D. Advance to Level 2*


	10. I pronounce the orgy to be sexy!

_Original Prompt: DOGPILE. Diego/Oldbag/Gumshoe/Phoenix/Iris/Larry/Edgeworth. I believe in the power of anon._

**I pronounce the orgy to be sexy!**

"... damn, Kitten, just... _damn_. You're fucking amazing."

Edgeworth smirked. "Let's just say that if I had known you were THIS good, I would have responded to your advances long ago."

Indeed, as Larry, Iris, Gumshoe, and Phoenix could also attest to, Oldbag sex was fantastic. It was fucktastic.

A part of Phoenix felt that he really ought to be disturbed by this fact. His lower parts disagreed, and demanded more.


	11. Goofed

**Goofed**

"YA'LL DUN GOOFED!"

Maya couldn't take it any more. "WELL, AT LEAST WE CAN USE CORRECT GRAMMER!"

Sure, they were indirectly responsible for destroying the world, but that was no reason to jump all over them... especially not from Lotta, who shared part of the blame.


	12. Seeing as how even I could do better…

_Original Prompt: Edgeworth and Apollo share a few bottles of wine while bonding over little sisters, murderous mentors, and growing up without their real parents._

**Seeing as how even I could do better… **

"What's a kid like you doing here?"

Apollo hiccupped as he shot the stranger a glare. "Not that it's any of your business, but Phoenix Wright has been making my life miserable," he slurred.

"Hmph. Seems to be a bad habit of his."

A raised eyebrow. "Oh? He's made your life miserable too?"

The stranger took a drink. "I suppose so, but believe me it was miserable enough before he came along."

Apollo smirked. "Heh. So was mine."

"Perhaps. But I can assure you it was nowhere near as bad as mine."

"We'll see. Why don't I start us off?" He took a deep breath of alcoholic fumes. "I grew up in an orphanage, never knowing who my real parents were."

"Tough. Well, I can't claim to have never known my parents. No, all I can lay claims to is having my father shot in front of me, and spending years believing I was the culprit. While being raised by the man who was truly guilty of it."

"That… sucks."

"Indeed it did." He swirled his drink.

"I know a thing or two about murderous mentors myself. Though mine only killed my stepfather, so I guess it doesn't top yours."

"No, but you do get points for having a wicked stepparent… he WAS wicked, no?"

"Kind of a jerk, yeah."

"Close enough."

Apollo took another swig. "Alright, what about sisters? Ya got one?"

"Yes."

"Me too. And mine, well… she's crazy. She's either on something or she should be."

"Does she go around whipping people?"

"No."

"Then I'd trade mine for yours in a heartbeat."

Silence as Apollo digested all that he had heard. Finishing his bottle, he turned to the man. "Fine, you beat me. Your life is worse than mine. Doesn't change the fact that the universe loves to use me as a punching bag."

"True. But at least now you know you know you're not the only one."

"Oh? Have you ever had to present an old lady's_ undergarments_ as evidence?"

"… yes. Now kindly never bring that up again."

Silence. Then Apollo hiccupped once more. "You know, I'm actually starting to feel a bit better. Thanks mister… you know, I never got your name." He took in the pink clad person before him. Through the drunken haze, something in his mind clicked. "Wait… you're Miles Edgeworth. YOU'RE the reason Capcom's forgotten about me!" Eyes filling with rage, he tackled the prosecutor.

The impromptu barfight ended with a couple of black eyes, a few bruises, and the two drunks passed out on the floor.


	13. Miles' Lament

_Original Prompt: Miles' sings his own version of "Jack's Lament"._

* * *

**Miles' Lament**

___There are few who'd deny, at what I do I am the best  
For my talents are renowned far and wide  
When it comes to objections in a courtroom trial  
I excel without ever even trying  
With the slightest little bench slap of my palm  
I have seen DAs give out a shriek  
With a wag of my finger, and a well-placed "Hold It!"  
I have swept the very bravest off their feet_

Yet year after year, it's the same routine  
And I grow so weary of courtroom screams  
And I, Miles, Prosecutor King  
Have grown so tired of the same old thing

Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones  
An emptiness began to grow  
There's something out there, far from my home  
A longing that I've never known

I'm a master of comport, and a demon in court  
And I'll evidence you right out of your pants  
To a guy from Kentucky, I'm Mister Unlucky (**Larry:** Hey!)  
_And I'm known throughout Germany and France_

And since I am gay, I can go out anyday  
Picking up whatever guys I please  
No animal nor man can scream like they can  
When I bring them whimpering to their knees

But who here would ever understand  
That the Prosecutor King with the sarcastic grin  
Would tire of his crown, if they only understood  
He'd give it all up if he only could

Oh, there's an empty place in my bones  
That calls out for something unknown  
The fame and praise come year after year  
Does nothing for these empty tears

**Phoenix:** Miles… I know how you feel.


	14. EVERYBODY'S GAY!

_Original Prompt: Ema Skye creates a GAYDAR._

**EVERYBODY'S GAY!**

The moment Ema Skye set foot in the courtroom, her gaydar started beeping like crazy...

"Ohmigosh! These readings are off the charts!"

..followed by said gaydar overloading and exploding in her face.

She blinked, wiped the soot off her face, and whipped out her notebook. "People in courtrooms have a high tendency towards being gay... perhaps they flock here due to natural instincts? Must do more research."


	15. Deliberately MisInterpreting

_Original Prompt:__ Franziska is on a quest: she has to bang every* adult woman from Ace Attorney Investigations within 24 hours._

*Wendy Oldbag is optional _only if__ Franziska can convince Miles, Larry, or The Bellboy to take one for the team._

**Cece Yew is optional _only if__ Adrian breaks the urn containing her ashes._

***For those of you keeping score at home: Maggey, Rhoda, Cammy, Franziska, Kay, Lauren, Ema, and Shih-na_/Callisto__._

****Special Bonus Points: Maya, Lotta, the TV reporter and the two gossiping girls in the embassy lobby.

Deliberately MisInterpreting

"Well, it's not the same as my whip, but I suppose it will have to do." Picking up the paddle given to her, Franziska proceeded to bang every woman within range over the head.

It was going to be an eventful day.


	16. Now THAT'S love!

_Original Prompt: __So, we know there's an AAI:2. Great, right?_

Highlight for potential spoilers/idk people are weird about this: _capcom. co. jp/ gyakutenkenji /2 /story. html_.

_This anon likes to think that the plane is Miles'. So... would anyone like to explain why there are phoenixes on everything?_

_Run with it, anons! Cracky, serious, platonic, shippy, I'm dying to know why things are decorated like this._

Now THAT'S love!

"Phoenix, I've returned from overseas."

"So where were you this time?"

"... Edgewrightia."

"What?"

"EDGEWRIGHTIA!"

"Huh. Never heard of it."

"That would be because it's just been established... by me."

"...what?"

"Which, logically, makes me their king," The prosecutor continued unabated. Edgeworth kneeled on the floor and pulled out a ringbox. "And as king, I'm asking you to rule on high with me, as my... partner."

A zigzagged eyebrow was raised. "... you know, most people are satisfied with just giving a wedding ring when they propose. They don't bother forming an entire COUNTRY."

"I was taught to never do anything halfway."


	17. what the HECK!

_Original Prompt: I have an image in my head of Godot relaxing in the bathtub, while fully-clothed Hobo!Nick sits on the toilet or the floor with a bottle of grape juice. Make it happen, Anon._

... what the HECK?

"You're drunk, aren't you." The blind prosecutor (currently stretched out in his tub) said it as a statement, not a question.

Phoenix sat down on the toilet nearby, clutching a bottle. "Why do you assume that? This IS just grape juice."

"What other reason could you have for breaking into my bathroom?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... just give me a moment to rinse my hair, and I'll get right to you."

"YAY!"


	18. Hail to the Chief!

_Original Prompt:Make Phoenix racist against Asians. Coincidentally, the entire Fey family is Asian._

**Hail to the Chief!**

"I don't know if you were joking or not, but frankly I don't care. As long as you're working under me, you will address me with the proper respect. And NOT as 'sexy Asian mama'. Is that clear?"

"Y-yes... Chief."

Mia released the ninjutsu hold she had him in. "That's better."

Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. (I'm lucky she's not Native American...)


End file.
